A Hundred Funny Facebook Status Messages for You

Sharing your thoughts on Facebook is as simple as saying them out loud and using a funny Facebook status is surely to give your friends some amusement. However, not everyone is born funny. So, if you need some help coming up with a funny Facebook status, you’ve come to the right place because we have a whole collection of them.

All the Funny Facebook Status Messages You Can Use

“Oh wow, it’s a fruit cake! I’m going to eat some of it right now”, said no one ever.
“We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants…” – me explaining underwear to aliens.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
A communist joke isn’t funny unless everyone gets it.
A friend of mine asked what it’s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer … That’s all.
Baby gates are parent’s way of saying “this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience.”
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

rollingeye of women

Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake its birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let’s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
Consumer confidence is at an all-time high, and so am I.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don’t care
Dear Google, please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting?
Dear life, when I said “can my day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays and spending it with the relatives.
Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
For all you who think I’m not worth much, I’ll have you know I have many great qualities or as my therapist calls them “symptoms”.
He is so fake that he should have two Facebook accounts; one for each face!
Hi, I’m James, let’s bond.
I bet a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?” now!
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It’s useful for converting ordinary Phillip’s screws into non removable screws.
I don’t judge people, I just laugh at them.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.

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I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
I joined a new gym yesterday. I did 3 sets of selfies on each machine.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become.
I look at people sometimes and think… Really?? That’s the sperm that won?
I love Facebook. It’s the only place I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III solely because we enjoy trilogies.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.
I want to change my name on Facebook to No One so when I try to add people, it will say, No One wants to be your friend.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction “Now chill in fridge for at least two hours”. I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
I’m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra Tupperware lid.
I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
I’m going to stand outside… If anyone asks, I’m outstanding…
I’m in a relationship with sleep and I get some every night… and if I’m lucky I get some during the day.
I’m reaching the point where I really hope it’s not possible to be annoyed to death.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
If people don’t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you’re doing something wrong.
If something’s not going right, try left.
If we aren’t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it’s always perfume.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they’ve beat you to it!
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly.
It was so cold that when we milked the cows we got ice cream.
It’s just a matter of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Like a stoned man once said, I can’t remember.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
Men, we failed, we just can never understand the woman’s logic, so give up trying, nod your head, and say thank you for still loving us anyway.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.
My new year’s resolution is to try to actually finish someth
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, “Do you smell Something Burning?”
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: “What the hell happened to the roof?”
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.

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Relationship Status: COMING SOON.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
Some days I wish I had a rewind button.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can’t be with them for the holidays. But don’t be jealous.
Sometimes at the gym Ill struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and other times I just let her sleep
Sometimes you can just tell it’s going to be a “Does not play well with others” kind of day.
That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall – yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
The best memories come from bad ideas.
The first computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve. It was an Apple but with very limited memory. Only 1 byte. Then everything crashed.
The longer the title the less important the job.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
There’s a fine line between Courage and Stupidity… Can you tell the difference? Apparently not…
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Tonight… I’m drinking until I’m someone else’s problem!
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising….
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
When your Dr. says “I’ll need to Google that”… It’s time to change doctors.
Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
Whenever someone says they did something, “like a boss”, I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Wife: I’m pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
Wonder what type of nonsense I can expect in my dreams tonight…
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
You bring everyone a lot of joy … when you leave the room.
Your arrival was fantastic, now let me see your departure!